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lun, le 23 mai 2005, 14:34 Dear Lee,
This whole school year I have gone out of my way to be nice to you. I have never done anything mean to you. The only time I have ever spoken about you behind your back is to complain about the fact you have hated me for no reason. When you first came here, I talked to you as soon as I saw you. I introduced you to my friends. I invited you to do things with me. Then people started telling me about how you were talking about how annoying and whatever else I am and my voice is behind my back. Even then I forgave you and tried not to believe the people telling me, despite the fact those people were much more honest with me then you have been. I'm not even going to start on when you and Alastair decided to bitch me out, not because I had done anything wrong to you, but because you didn't like my personality, and, obviously I was forcing you to hang around and talk to me. Recently I assumed we were on okay terms again but apparently still at the very mention of my name, you just have to show your dislike of me. I don't know what to do because apparently you just don't like me and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like the situation but I dislike the way we're pretending even more. If you don't liike me just say it and we can just not talk to each other anymore. I'd like for us to be friends but I guess I'm not good enough for you.
By: Amy Uyematsu
—Is where space ends called death or infinity? Pablo Neruda, The Book of Questions
A mere eyelid’s distance between you and me.
It took us a long time to discover the number zero.
John’s brother is afraid to go outside. He claims he knows the meaning of zero.
I want to kiss you.
A mathematician once told me you can add infinity to infinity.
There is a zero vector, which starts and ends at the same place, its force and movement impossible to record with rays or maps or words. It intersects yet runs parallel with all others.
A young man I know wants me to prove the zero vector exists. I tell him I can't, but nothing in my world makes sense without it. ven, le 20 mai 2005, 22:47
Matt: (says something) me: what??? Matt: (says something again) me: what??? Matt: what??? me:... Matt: yeah...
wow, isn't that beautiful. ven, le 20 mai 2005, 09:56 Yep
Last day of school! And here I am playing on the computers when I should be studying for my last final. It smells interesting (someone has been smoking pot) in here... What bell is that? Who cares? I'm bored. I love you Matt Putney! Mmmmmm, summer... ::inspirational words:: Thats what your mom said! Pretend this post had any purpose. I love my pants. But, I know whos pants I like more... I mean. HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! ::runs away, only to be chased by foreman::
one love, one lifetime, lead me, save me, from my solitude, say, you want me, with you, here, beside you, anywhere you go, let me go to, thats all I ask of you..." I wonder sometimes, if I'm doing everything wrong. If I'm making terrible decisions. I can't detect sincerity, so I assume things are insincere. And then I listen to velvet underground songs with not very veiled (at all) sexual refernces. And they make me laugh. "... they're busy waiting for her sailor, who said hes just as big as ever..." I love you Lou Reed!
ven, le 13 mai 2005, 22:41 GODAMNIT!!!
I'M SO PARANOID! I RUIN EVERYTHING!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!
::fails::
AND THIS IS JUST ME BEING PARANOID AGAIN!!!! DAMNIT!!!
What side of the bed do you get out of? left The hand you hold your fork with? right hand!!! The foot you put a shoe on first? Whichever shoe is facing the most easily accessible direction. Your current computer desktop wallpaper? The crossed out “W” that’s usually associated with being anti-Bush, but underneath it, it says “The Letter” because as much as I hate George Bush I really hate that letter… It’s a long Latin story… Rebecca made it for me! Its awesome! The last time you needed a bandaid? Just the other day, when a bullet grazed my face. How much ketchup do you put on your food? Robots don’t eat ketchup!!!! How do you greet your friends? Hey, or, Yo, or, Whats up?, or, NO! But You’re Dead! I killed you! I SAW YOU DIE!!! Biggest fear? Heights, rejection (I’m not just talking about relationships!), Cher, angry people with knives, yuppies, there’s a lot… Seedless fruit, or with seeds? Doesn’t matter? How do you eat your Reeses? Through my nose. Yeah. I actually first crush the reeses into powder and then snort them. You only sing when… No one else is around!!! Or I’m around people who’ve heard me sing for some reason anyway, so they already know to beware. Number of jackets you own? A lot. God wants me to live in a cold place. Isn’t that right god? God: YES! You have a collection of... Ahhahaha!! I’m working on stealing this AWE- SOME Collection of Dragon Ball z videos from someone else!! The poster on your wall is of... Mostly Led Zeppelin, yep, Robert Plant wore some, uh, exceptionally clingy pants, apparently… Random other stuff: ARE YOU CURRENTLY GROUNDED? Not yet. DO YOU SNORE? I don’t believe so??? ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? I’d say that I’m a lover in all situations that aren’t, uh, checkers related… AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? AHHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, definitely, that was my name too, and I rode a blue ox, and I was the size of the empire state building. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV? Disgusting. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? When I want hot straw action. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? No. I had a bunch of bruises because, apparently it was a really difficult birth, or at least that’s why my parents say I had bruises… IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Um. Occasionally, but only in the sense that sometimes I get sick of chasing people/relationships/etc. I mean, definitely not in a “play the field” sense, because I’m really big on that crazy monogamy thing. IS BARBIE SEXY? God! I LOVE anatomically incorrect women! I also LOVE promoting unrealistic physical ideals for young impressionable girls!!! Anorexia is great! DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Yeah.... HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Hell No. IS JAY LENO FUNNY? I HATE THAT GUY! DAVID LETTERMAN TOTALLY OWNED THAT BITCH! He’ll get his revenge; you better watch your back Leno! CAN YOU SWIM? Yeeeee-essss ARE YOU A VIRGIN? Yes. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? I don’t know, sometimes I wonder if maybe it’d be better for all of us, such as, whenever I see April Lavigne. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? I could once, long, long ago… HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? I DIDN’T EAT THAT GUY! I SWARE! AND EVEN IF I DID, IT HAD BEEN THREE DAYS, HE WANTED ME TO! YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS? Pencils are electronic now? Like, could I watch a movie on one? WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? Wrong. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? Only in Vegas, and only if it’s done by an Elvis impersonator. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I do, but, no one else does… : ( WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? White people. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU"? Wow, like, twenty minutes ago? IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? Duh! Everyone knows that Elvis and Tupac are chillen it gangsta style on a deserted island. Stupid. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Getting really bored is kind of like crying… HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Why does this question seem to have really strong sexual undertones. Is that just me? IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? Ignoring the nastiness of the food entirely, that clown guy freaks me out. ARE YOU IN LOVE? Yeah, with Fabio still, Matt is really jealous, but, he just doesn’t understand our love… (and with Emma...) DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? SHOWERS!!!! DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? : ) ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No, but, I sleep better with the light on and with a bunch of crap all over my bed, because, that’s how I’ve usually fallen asleep since I was little. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? MATT! CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? I thought everyone could? I must be really special then! HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Yeah, that time I overdosed on heroin. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? Once! This morning! And I intend upon brushing them again! Tonight! ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? Apparently… HOW LOUD DO YOU SNEEZE? I once killed a man with my sneeze. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Yes. I do. CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? I fall when I walk, why would anyone want me on wheels? That’s just terrible. Roman tried to teach me once, a longgggg time ago, but, yeah. No. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN ANYTHING? I actually stole a bunch of these rock things from Disney World when I was a little kid. My parents completely freaked out on me, so, now I only steal from teachers that I don’t like. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? Actually, yeah. ARE YOU HORNY? Never. Sex is G-R-O-S-S, GROSS! ::goes off to file things:: DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? I think I have before, but, not regularly. I have a weird laugh. DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? No. You shouldn’t have gotten married. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD? There isn’t one. I like to live on the wild side. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? Yeah I did it just today too, that was our final in chemistry. Isn’t that right Jessica? DOES SIZE MATTER? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, no. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? Not anymore, because, it gave me cancer. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED? Have I ever not been kissed? RIDDLE ME THAT!?!? Also, apparently I haven't really been kissed until I've been kissed by Emma ;) ahaha. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? All of them. mar, le 10 mai 2005, 12:59 BORED!!!!
Bored bored bored bored, bored bored bored bored, bored bored bored bored. Lunch needs to occur soon. Hey, you guys who have permits, did you need to do that drug and alcohol thing to get it? Because, I'm hearing from everyone that you only need it to get your licence. My stepmom is evil. ONE MONTH! WOO!!! If I don't see you today I'll die! I hate chemistry. But I love Mr. Mihordea. But I hate Mr. Mihordea. But I love Mr. Mihordea. I hate that hes making us take the final super early, because now I'm not going to do well. I love that because of it we're doing a class picnic during the time we were supposed to be taking the final, (the end of the day on tuesday.) I don't know. Oh well. 10th grade must end, as all great things must end! Except that it wasn't that great, or bad either. Actually, wait, during tenth grade I: -broke up with one (or two people, depending on your definition of a relationship) -fell out with a bunch of my friends from last year -almost died the last month of first semester but also, during tenth grade I: -Went to a pixies concert -Developed some of the best friends ever (or further developed as in Caitlin's case) -Made all A's first semester, despite the fact that I thought the chemistry tests, the ap everything, and all Mr. Winter's bullshit busy work were going to kill me, and that I was going to fail out of highschool and die -ended up with the best guy in the entire world Yeah, I'll say it was a pretty good year overall.
1. Stabbing that guy with a knife.... a knife of reason!!!!! (hes a jerk! he fails. Caitlin, you can do a great deal better....) 2. Who wants to help me kill him? 3. You know whats terrible? Attractive skinheads. (::unnamed female:: was just telling me about her accidental flirting with some neonazi) Its like damnit! You're so hot! But you're a nazi!!!! AUGH!!!! Not that thats ever happened to me before.... ::cough Tony cough:: But, it doesn't happen anymore(HOORAY!!), because, I'm dating the most awesome guy ever!!! You know I have to be super in love with him when the last time Joel tried to talk to me in the hallway, I was just like, uhhh, okay, whatever, I'm going to go... (I remember a time when I would have blurted out something stupid, possibly just noises, then ran away, squealing with happiness, to make Jessica theother listen to every single detail of it, and overanaylyze it with me...) It's crazy. He makes me so happy and I totally don't deserve him, hopefully he won't figure that out though, because I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him sooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! Everything about him is perfect!!! Last night at Piedmont park was the best ever, (I love how we always make plans, then don't follow them, but everything ends up being perfect anyway) I fail though, I get a giant F on the term paper of life!!! Because, I overreact to things and I don't even realize what awesome friends I have, I get so caught up in being paranoid and it completely screws me over. I think I fully understand that dream now, (I sort of did before, but not fully...) Bascically, I trip, over a rock or something, and fall on my arm, when I sit up the skin on my arm has been ripped apart in three places, leaving giant red holes in my skin, Stone comes over so I tell him to stitch me up, and I hand him a needle and some thread, then he willingly stitches my arm up. Its that I keep fucking myself up and then expect my friends to come sew me back together, and because they're wonderful, and the best ever, they do it. Or maybe I'm just going insane because of all that basket weaving in art, but I like the idea of the former better... Matt is sooooooooooooooooooooooo great!!!!!!! I mean, whoa, he made me the coolest thing ever!!!! I love him so much and I'm going to make everyone marvel at its awesomeness on monday!!!  hahaha! its jessica on the top and Matthew on the bottom, very nice!! ;) Isn't that excellent???? And its really fun to turn upside down, over and over again, heh, yeah, I'm cool. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Note:Forthosewhoskim,MATTmade the awesome thing,not me,( come on!!! i can barely even write my name, use some reason!!)nice job reading,illiterate mcilliteratetons!!!!p.s. I'm talking about you Caitlin!
the only correct thing to do is type out some Bukowski poems. that I love. I love you Bukowski! You dead bastard! brown and solemn by: Charles Bukowski the dog jumps up on the bed crawls over me. "are you the Word?" I ask him. he doesn't answwer. "are you the Word? I'm looking for the Word." he has brown and solemn eyes. "I'm waiting for the Word," I tell him, "I'm walking around like a man in a large hot frying pan." he wags his tail and tries to lick my face. "listen," she says from the bathroom, "why don't you get out of bed and stop talking to that dog?" my parents didn't understand me either. time by: Charles Bukowski one collapses and surrenders not out of choice or lack of intelligence or bad teeth or bad diet one surrenders because that's the BEST MOVIE around. once I was so disgusted with the working of things that I dialed the time and listened to the voice over and over again: "it's now 10:18 and 20 seconds it's now 10:18 and 30 seconds..." I didn't like the voice and I didn't care what time it was yet I listened. satisfied now I'm glad somebody stole my last watch it was so difficult to read satisfied now I've got a new one it has a black face and white hands and I sit there and watch the second hand the minute hand the hour hand as outside caterpillars crawl my walls and finally fall like empires like old dead loves and new loves fall. night's best with my black-faced watch with white hands. assault by: Charles Bukowski bad shape. sick. can hardly hold my soul together here in Hollywood here on DeLongpre Ave. where the nurses live where the experimental film makers live where the trees live hot and sad in the sun. here where the wheelchairs drift past down from the home for the aged. how long Chinaski? how many more loves shot out of the sky? how many more women? how many more days and years? pain walks through the shadows of this room. I can feel it in my arms, I can hear it rattling in my cheap air cooler. I remember things and get up and walk about. I can't stop walking from one edge of the room to the other. I was once a man content to be alone. now I have been broken open, everything has edges. they have me-crazed and trapped. they brought me out of myself. they are working on me. the onslaught is furious and relentless and without sound. the rivers spill over the dikes. the sun smells like burnt cheese. ten thousand faces on the boulevards. I live with creatures whose existence has nothing to do with mine. I keep walking about this room. I can hardly breathe. I have given my pain a name. I call it " Assault." Assault, I say, will you please go out for a walk and leave me alone? will you please go out for a walk and get run over by a train? my few friends think I'm a very funny fellow. tell me about Chinaski, they ask my girlfriend. oh, she says, he just sits in this big chair and moans. they laugh. I make people laugh. Assault, I say, do you want something to eat? were you once a racehorse? why don't you sleep? take a rest? die? Assault follows me across the room he leaps on my shoulder and shakes me. Lorca was shot down in the road but here in America the poets never anger anybody. the poets don't gamble. their poetry has the smell of clinics. their poetry has the smell of clinics. where people die rather than live. here they don't assassinate the poets. they don't even notice the poets. I walk out on the street to buy a newspaper. Assault follows me. we pass a beautiful young girl on the sidewalk. I look into her eyes. she stares back. you can't have her, says Assault, you are an old man, you are a crazy old man. I'm aware of my age, I say with some dignity. yes, and aware of death too. you're going to die and you don't know where you're going but I'm coming along with you. you rotten bastard, I say, why are you so fond of me? I get a newspaper and come back. we read it together. ah, my companion! we bathe together, sleep together, eat together, we open letters together. we write poems together. we read poems together. I don't know if I am Chinaski or Assault. some say I love my pain. yes, I love it so much I'd like to give it to you wrapped in a red ribbon wrapped in a bloody red ribbon you can have it you can have it all. I'll never miss it. I'm working on getting rid of it, believe me. I might jam it into your mailbox or throw it into the back seat of your car. but now here on DeLongpre Ave. we have just each other.
Jessica Katelyn Baer's Aliases
| Your movie star name: Bagel Lemon
| Your fashion designer name is Jessica Florence
| Your socialite name is Sister Sledge New York
| Your fly girl / guy name is J Bae
| Your detective name is Wolf Grady
| Your barfly name is Bagel Jesus
| Your soap opera name is Katelyn Northbrook
| Your rock star name is Jew Your Mom
| Your star wars name is Jesari Baemoz
| Your punk rock band name is The Forlorn Laser Pointer
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IS DEDICATED TO CAITLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Things I love about Caitlin: Shes absolutely beautiful, even though she doesn't seem to notice it, but I think it just makes her even more awesome, crazy wrong, but awesome!!!!! Shes got a really big penis, I mean, w- o- w! Watch out guys!!!!!!! Shes terribly amusing, even though she makes me uncomfortable sometimes... Shes going to father my racist babies!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMmm, delicioussssssssss racism. But really, shes been there for longer and more consistently than anyone else has ever been, even though she didn't have to be, and even when I didn't deserve it. I LOVE YOU CAITLIN!!!!!!!!! Okay, goals for this week: -kick chemistry test's ass (not going to happen...) -apparently me and Lamebert have an exceptionally overdue lunch date to fulfill saturday, if she still loves me that is. When I asked her she said she didn't love me, but you know, I'm sure she was just kidding.... -SEE CAITLIN! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU!!! -Work on projects/finals stuff -Be nicer to Stone, because, there seems to be some weird stuff going on with him and the track team/listen to his song so he stops complaining to me about it -whoever else loves me enough to see me -MATT! I LOVE MATT! I'M GOING TO SEE MATT THIS WEEKEND! (or I might die!!!) Today: AP exam!!! Alix slapped me on the ass for good luck! Or maybe just to slap me on the ass, whatever!! I probably didn't do well, but thats okay, because, you still love me. I hope. Jessica Theother drove me home, and I didn't die. I was sooooo proud of HER!!!! ::awww!!! tear of pride:: Yesterday: I love Caitlin and Chloe together, excellent lunch, and other stuff happened, but my memory has turned to crap. Also, I love Sophie and Jordan!!! Because, they've been sad lately, so, you know. P.S. Those are terrible pictures. P.P.S I hope I don't still look like that, (but I probably do...) P.M.S. I agree with Bukowski on Mahler. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Bukowski....
sam, le 30 avr 2005, 23:57 Oh Brandon,
no, the conversation is still going on. Yeah, Brandon missed the memo about hating French people, and about how all jews are accountants, trying to take over the world (with google). That black people are secretly the followers of Jack Black. And some famous white people include: Michael Jackson(my favorite white woman), Colin Powell (the only person whos whiter than I am, but still not as white as Brandon), Tiger Woods. And, I can't remember. That Devin has mad poetry skillz!!!! Oh Em Gee!!!! Brandon's got the hots fir Kati!!!!! That beating up foreigners is the true national pastime, and that suburbs are actually as uninteresting as people say they are. and that British accents are sooooo h-o-t, hot!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahaha! I love talking to Brandon on the phone!!!! P.S. equal oppurtunity racism is the best racism there is!!! "I hate everybody!" Its realy exciting when things do shit, so much that the outhouse is going to need some breathing room.
okay, picture the best guy ever, ever possible.
Now multiply him by a million.
Now mulitply him by, say, a gillion.
Matt is still better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Matt!
Hes the sweetest, most wonderful guy ever, and has mad "skills" AHAHAHAHA!
Yeah, it was wonderful seeing him, but I probably wasn't much fun because I've been exhausted from the latin convention, (mmm, sleep will be awesome)
Also, I've just been feeling exceptionally insecure about my Grady social life, and, its always nice to see someone who definitely cares about you, and whom you can care about back, without being patronized for it.
What I'm saying is, we have turtles now.
And I love them so much.
They're the best ever, and I get to have one!!!!!!!!!!
Turtles won't leave me because I'm not ::insert one of the many ideal high school personality traits here that I do not fulfill:: enough.
And they're adorable.
A key mixture.
But I don't want people around me because they feel sorry for me either.
I wonder what I'll name her...
I don't like that I already know someone is going to get mad at me for being angsty, because, I understand its annoying, but its how I feel.
I just don't know I suppose.
"I just can't find my place in this world"
one memorable rock eagle moment:
stone: (after drinking an icee) I feel sick... me: Thats probably just the cancer, taking hold of your insides. justin: haha, you're gonna die dude!
( Sealab does Apocalypse Now )( Sealab on Science )( Sealab on Drug Abuse )( Sealab on Government )( Sealab on Literature )( Sealab on Love )mmmm, "daylishus" ("delicious", plus fun!) I don't want to go back to school. Bleh. Next week I'm back with my crappy parents who I have to finish off my second week of grounding with. While I was off on vacation, I didn't check livejournal once, and damn was I happy. Oh well, lots of drama I see, unsurprisingly. I can't wait to get out of high school. Even though the drama will, undoubtedly, persist throughout life, at least we should all start (hopefully) mellowing out within the next few years. ::crosses fingers:: Captain Murphy: Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice. Debbie: Gah, no we won't. Captain Murphy: Maybe YOU won't! -This entry is dedicated to Caitlin and Francis Ford Coppola, because they're both awesome and both celebrated birthdays recently. Also it is dedicated to Martin Sheen, for being an awesome crazy liberal actor, and for being exceptionally tasty in the seventies... ( (mmm, Apocalypse Now Martin Sheen...) )
and here I am wearing sunglasses in the dark
Everyone leave a comment of things you associate with me. Objects, songs, ideas, whatever. Anything you think is a significant part of me, my life, or whatever.
(Today has been awesome, and I assume it will get even awesomerererer) |